Categories
Growth

How Long Does It Take to Get over a Break Up?

Going through a break up isn’t easy. A process has to happen for you to move forward and fully heal wounds that may come from your relationship. 

The question you’ll ask is: “How long will it take to get over it?” 

The answer isn’t a straightforward one. But we want to explore the question in detail and give you some understanding of the path you have ahead.

How to Grieve After a Breakup

If you’ve just come out of a relationship, then you’re likely going through a range of emotions. A grieving process has started, and you now have to find a way to live life with your significant other no longer being a part of it.

Phycologists break grief down to seven stages. Each stage doesn’t necessarily follow the other, and you may find yourself jumping between them in no particular order.

The 7 Stages of Grief After a Breakup

Desperate for answers: This stage involves searching for why your relationship has come to an end.

Denial: During the stage of denial you will find yourself refusing to accept the relationship is truly over.

Bargaining: When bargaining, you’re looking for a way you could change with the hope it gives new reasons to re-enter the relationship.

Relapse: A relapse means anything from contacting your ex or searching for them on social media.

Anger: During stages of anger, you may become angry at your ex, the situation, and even yourself.

Initial Acceptance:  This stage offers some light relief. It’s a time where you accept the relationship has ended, and you need to move forward.

Redirected Hope: At this point, you start to have thoughts of a bright future. You are looking for new ways to take your life to the next stage with the idea of being happy.

Experts suggest that the average time it takes to get over a break up is half the time that the relationship lasted. 

So if you were together for two years, it should take one year to move on. But there’s no substantial evidence to support this claim, and it’s more likely designed to give people peace of mind.

You Need to Be Proactive

The reality is that getting over a break up isn’t a passive action. You have to be active and take essential steps that allow you to heal. 

Doing things like hiding/deleting images of your ex, blocking them on social media, and deleting their number helps build the foundations of your future without them. 

These steps may seem cold-hearted, but having a constant reminder of them in your life is only going to prolong the difficulty of trying to move on.

Accepting someone is no longer in your life is half the battle. There’s also another side of a breakup, that’s arguably more important. And that includes the journey of yourself. 

There’s a reason your relationship ended and whether you like it or not you, in some way, have contributed to it not continuing further.

So, while trying to get over a breakup, you need to be prepared to do some deep soul searching. 

You have to take extreme ownership of your actions, and look at what areas of your life and mentality you need to work through. You could say this is the hardest part of a breakup. It’s not easy to look in the mirror and identify your areas of improvement. 

Here are some points you should consider:

Who You Were: 

What version of yourself were you in the relationship? Did you bring the best version of yourself, or did you allow your more negative traits to drive the relationship?

Why Did You Start: 

You may not have entered a relationship because they were the right person for long term happiness. 

You may have unknowingly needed that relationship to identify your true worth in life. Understanding your motives can help with the next point…

How to Avoid: 

If your relationship was overall a negative one, then you don’t want to find yourself in the same position with someone else. Look at what you can do differently to avoid a similar pattern of toxic energy.

Become High Value: 

Were you a low-value partner who attracted someone of the same status? What can you do to become a high-value person in order to enter a more stable, successful relationship in the future? Some tips to become high value are: working on confidence, being active and healthy, improving your career, and being more assured and content in who you are.

Breakups Are an Exciting Time in Life

Do the stages of grief and self-improvement feel overwhelming? If they do, that’s normal because the process of a breakup is hard work. But the good news is, that although painful, a breakup can be one of the most exciting periods of your life.

You’ve heard the term “I lost myself in that relationship.” As we connect our bodies and minds with someone, we often lose our sense of direction and self. This is particularly harmful if both parties are on different paths. 

One of you may sacrifice for the other, and while sacrifice is part of a relationship, if not done in a balanced way, it can lead to anger and resentment

Embrace Your Breakup

Coming out of the environment allows you to rediscover yourself. This is one of the most powerful experiences a human can have. 

Reconnecting with your values, motivations, dreams, and direction will make you feel whole again. You can transmute the pain you feel from your breakup into positive, powerful energy that drives you.

We don’t want to push you away with a random number of how long it takes to get over a breakup. That’s dismissive to what you’re experiencing right now. We do understand the discomfort means you want it to be over as soon as possible.  But we want to promote a different mindset.

Do not fear all that comes with a breakup. Rather, embrace it and see the opportunities that come out of it. It’s your chance for self-growth and personal development. It’s a time to learn about yourself and deeper parts of your psyche.

Don’t look to run away, instead, face it head-on. A breakup is your time to regroup, check-in with yourself, and build a better experience for your future. That takes as long as it needs to and you should not fear it, but rather, enjoy it.

Categories
Growth

29 Positive Feeling Words to Express Positive Emotions

People who practice the law of attraction or those who are developing positive affirmations are prone to using these words in their work. However, you don’t need to be a yoga master or have any type of spiritual inclination to inject more positive words and emotions into your life. 

Us humans tend to focus a lot on the negative feelings and thoughts, so why not take a break from that and join us on a positivity adventure?

In this article, we’re going to go over 27 positive feeling words to express positive emotions and give you a more positive outlook on life.

Why Do We Need Positive Emotions?

Positive feeling words should be a part of your everyday life in order to help you feel fulfilled and happy. Perhaps more than this, are the physical health benefits that using these words have on you.

Studies have shown that happiness boosts the immune system. This means fewer cold and flu symptoms are likely to show and your body will be stronger when it comes to fighting infections and the like.

Moreover, cognitive decline can also be prevented or slowed by using affirmations and focusing on the good aspects of life!

The list of psychological benefits of positive feelings is almost endless but you can expect to develop stronger relationships because of the newfound feeling of connectedness, as well as gathering an increasing amount of resilience against difficulties. 

Your boss will be happy too as these words increase motivation and productivity so you will be flying through at the paperwork! Don’t panic — the quality and effectiveness of your work will be improved too, you won’t have the bark without the bite.

27 Positive Feeling Words

1. Interest

Humans, kind of like cats, are curious by nature and we tend to want to learn about the new places, activities and people we discover. Being interested in something naturally opens up our minds to enter into unknown territory and explore the world in a different way.

2. Hope

The feeling of hope allows us to realize that any problems we encounter along our journey are only temporary. It enables us to feel the belief that our future will be filled with happiness and beauty.

3. Kindness

This emotion consists of being friendly and approachable to all people, acting in a considerate manner and oozing warmth from your soul out into the world. Kindness leaves us feeling extra warm and gooey inside, regardless of whether we are the ones receiving the kind act, or giving it. 

4. Gratitude

When we experience gratitude, we are being thankful for something and appreciating it. We might feel this when we look at certain aspects of our lives like health, friends, family, partners, fortune, wealth, and many more other qualities that make our lives fantastic.

5. Confidence

Confidence stems from you believing in yourself. For example, if you have an exam to take and you go into it feeling confident, you will be carrying the belief that you will successfully complete the test and thus, you are experiencing confidence.

6. Enthusiasm

This goes hand-in-hand with our first positive feeling word ‘Interest’. When your excitement bubbles over because you are interested in something or looking forward to doing a certain activity or visiting a particular place, this means you’re enthusiastic. 

7. Admiration

If you have ever ‘looked up to someone’ due to their talent in something or a specific personality trait that they possess, then you have been admiring them. Regardless of whether you admire from afar or so close that they know it, all of this is admiration. 

8. Euphoria

Euphoria is an overwhelming explosion of intense joy. It’s a magical and feeling and one we all just want to experience more often!

9. Pride

After you have achieved something great, the feeling of utmost importance is a sense of pride. It is uplifted further when others recognize the amazing thing have you done, which positively impacts on your self-esteem and overall confidence.

10. Contentment

You could feel this when you are with a certain person or group of people, at a particular time or when visiting a calming destination. It is the sense of peace when your mind is at rest and comfortable in its surroundings. Put simply, you are just blissful. 

11. Satisfaction

Maybe you once had an assignment that you have been putting off but eventually struggled through, finished it and handed it on time. Do you remember the feeling once it was all done and dusted? That is satisfaction at its finest. 

12. Amusement

All the funny aspects of the world — jokes, situations, contexts, quips, sketches, people — everything that makes you belly laugh (you know, when it feels like you have done 300 sit-ups); this is sheer amusement. 

13. Awe

Many things can result in us feeling awed, especially in the natural world. Looking at something so astoundingly amazing, thought-provoking and wonderous that you can do nothing but stare — that is awe. 

14. Joy

Children experience joy at the smallest things, as you probably know. But, as we get older it can be harder to find those purely delightful, happy and satisfying moments — once we are experiencing joy, however, it is amazing.

15. Cheerfulness

Cheerfulness encompasses happiness and optimism. It comes to fruition when we set our minds to a state of positivity and we are feeling like things are going in exactly the right way.

16. Free

The state of being free is one where you are feeling as if nothing is holding you back anymore. Maybe you have earned enough money to leave the nest or you have everything you need to live the life you want. Whatever it is, this is a mindset that should be treasured. 

17. Relief

In a situation where you expected the worse, but instead, something great came out of it, the feeling of pure happiness washing over you is referred to as relief. 

18. Prosperous

When you feel abundant in something, i.e. your state of mind reflects your feeling of having a lot of something good, you will feel prosperous. It is as if your personal needs have finally been met in a positive way.

19. Optimism

Optimism is a truly wonderful state to be in. When you are optimistic, you feel as if everything will work out well and you are feeling good about the future and its prospects.

20. Happiness

Happiness is a generalized feeling of pleasure and enjoyment. Sometimes you may feel happy for a specific reason but, for the most part, this emotion is an all-round term when things are going well for you. 

21. Eagerness

This is a toned-down version of enthusiasm. You may feel ready to take on a task or start a new job and will go into it with excitement. 

22. Surprise

No one likes negative surprises, so of course, we will only talk about the positive type here! It could come about because of a birthday party you weren’t aware of, a gift you didn’t expect to receive or countless other situations. 

23. Affectionate

You will most likely feel affectionate towards the people you have a strong emotional attachment to — yes, pets are included!

24. Elevation

Think back to the times you have witnessed someone being generous or kind and the aspiration you had to act in the same way. The uplifting feeling is exactly what elevation is. 

25. Inspiration

Inspiration can be linked fairly closely with awe. If you have watched the sunrise, experienced the wonders of animals in their natural habitats or saw someone who is excellent at their craft, that pure uplifted feeling is what inspiration refers to.

26. Blissful

If you have experienced a really strong sense of satisfaction and peace, then at this time, you were feeling blissful — it is a great state of mind to be in. 

27. Altruism

When you do something nice, kind or just plain good for another person, you will be feeling altruistic. It can also come into play when you have an unexplainable, large want to give generously to people without desiring anything in return.

28. Compassion

If you have ever felt a huge sense of sympathy, empathy, worry and concern for someone who is suffering, whether you know them personally or not, then you have experienced compassion. Unsurprisingly, it links pretty closely to kindness and generosity as a way of showing this feeling to others. 

29. Love

Love. The most intense positive emotion of them all. In reality, it includes pretty much all of the other feelings listed here like affection, joy, gratitude and happiness. You will never be able to compare much to love as it is so incredibly powerful and strong — it is what makes life worth it.

Put These Positive Feeling Words to Use

There are hundreds and hundreds of positive feeling words out there that can help you to unlock the true potential of your life. Remember that not everything in this world is negative, despite what the news and social media likes to say. As long as you search for the silver linings of even the darkest of clouds, you will live a fulfilling, happy life.

Categories
Growth

4 Healthy Ways to End a Friendship (The Right Way)

We as humans are inherently social by nature, often regressing in solitude and thriving in company. Most of us find comfort in the relationships that we build around us, but what do you do when things go south and a friendship no longer makes sense?

Sometimes, once cherished relationships can become, well… less so. The first thing to note is that this is perfectly okay and not all friendships have to be life long. Growing apart from somebody is an unavoidable part of life.

More often than not, friendships that are no longer working, or cease to make sense, usually ‘fizzle’ out naturally. If you find yourself in a position in which the feeling is not mutual, it can be both a difficult and awkward situation to resolve.

If your friendship has run its course, but you’re just not sure how to cut ties, here’s how to end a friendship the right way.

Reasons to End a Friendship 

Putting an end to a friendship is an incredibly big decision, usually becoming ever more significant the longer the friendship has been shared. It’s crucial to always fully reflect and establish the true reasons why you want to end a friendship and to never make a rash decision off the back of a one-off argument or singular situation.  

Grabbing a pen and paper to jot down some reasons, why it’s time to end the friendship can be a helpful process, bringing some much-needed closure to your situation.   

Here are some common reasons to end a friendship:

Your lives have moved in separate directions

This is a common scenario with growth in your life. For instance, when you graduate from high school and head off to college or when you change jobs.

Having a directional change in your life can mean once valued friendships are no longer viable. You may develop new interests and form new friendship groups that don’t coincide with old ones. 

You may be moving away

Long-distance friendships are most definitely possible, and there are plenty of people who maintain close friendships with people on the other side of the world.

But if you feel that your friendship is built around the things that you do, rather than the conversations that you have, maintaining the friendship can become ‘forced’ and unnatural. 

Seeing a new side to your friend

Newly formed friendships can move very quickly in this day an age. With social media and the ease of communication, you may feel like you know your friend really well when actually you know them relatively little.

Over time, certain negative character traits can present themselves that you didn’t know existed. This is a common reason why some seemingly great friendships often only last short period of time. 

Your friendship had become toxic

A toxic friendship is one that adds more negativity to your life than positivity. A toxic friendship can impact your entire being, and even affect other people around you, such as your work colleagues, family and other friends. Toxic friends may encourage you to make decisions that benefit them, over yourself.  

Your “friend” is deceitful

Some people actively search out friendships strictly for their own benefit. A deceitful friend can be someone that lies to you to gain your trust, pretends to be your friend or someone that lies to others to make themselves look or feel better. A deceitful friend is also a toxic friend.  

If a friend of yours is regularly bringing you down, lying to you, using you or just generally not being a ‘good’ friend, maybe its time you take the right steps to put an end to it

How to end a friendship

There are ultimately 2 ways to end a friendship:

  1. Healthy ways: In which feelings of both sides are taken into careful consideration and done in a way of genuine sincerity. Ending a friendship healthily is always rooted in honesty.
  2. Unhealthy ways: Where the friendship is ended without justification, genuine explanation and in a way in which the feelings of the other person aren’t taken into account.  

While sometimes it can be necessary to end a friendship abruptly in an ‘unhealthy’ way, it’s usually better and often easier to do so using a “healthy” method.  

Healthy Ways to End a Friendship

1. Have a talk and express your feelings

Sometimes the best way to end a friendship is by simply communicating! They are your friend after all, so there’s no need to be frightened of a one to one chat.  

Set a time and place that works for both of you, unload and get everything off both of your chests. Directing the conversation onto this difficult topic is often the hardest part, but once things get going there will be a massive feeling of relief. 

Talking things over can help you to fully explain yourself as to the reasons why you want the friendship to end. It is also important to be a good listener when having ‘the talk’. Maybe the feelings are mutual, perhaps there has been a misunderstanding, taking the time to talk things through is the only way to find out.  

You might find that having a conversation about ending your friendship is easier if you write down a brief list of the things that you want to say. No need to write a 15-page in-depth recap, evaluation and conclusion about your friendship, but a few notes can help to keep the conversation going, even if you hit a patch of silence, or can’t remember what you originally set out to say.  

Whilst this method may seem overly simple and straight forward, I believe it to be the most effective, sincere and honest.  

2. Let things take their natural course

Without realizing, you may actually be the one who is holding onto a friendship that is coming to an end. It can be difficult to let a friendship slowly diminish over time, although, clutching onto something that is no longer there can be unhealthy for both sides, unnecessarily prolonging an inevitable outcome.  

To let things take their course try taking a ‘back seat’ in the friendship. See if your friend stops reaching out to you to make plans, stops messaging you unless you contact them first, or stays more distant from you unless you make a concerted effort to do the opposite. 

Reducing contact gradually can sometimes be the easiest and least intrusive way to end a friendship. By doing so there is also the opportunity to reflect and potentially reinstate the friendship with more ease than if things are ended in a more abrupt manner.  

3. The professional approach

It is common to become friends with the people that you work with, but if it starts to affect your career and have a negative influence on your performance, perhaps it would be better the friendship stays strictly professional.  

This can be done by verbally expressing your feelings of the situation, or by not taking part in conversations that are private or personal. Over a short period of time, the friendship will quickly revert to one of a professional nature.  

If you are having trouble with somebody being over-friendly, to a point that it is affecting your work, and a clear conversation hasn’t worked. It may be best to speak to your manager or to request that your HR department intervene.  

4. Take a pause from the friendship

Good friendships don’t come around often, so if you’re having troubles and feel like the friendship is heading towards the end, one of the best things to do is to take a break.  

No matter how close your friendship is, spending a lot of time with one person can become overwhelming. Much like a romantic relationship, a friendship can greatly benefit from taking a little time away from one and other.

By doing so, you can develop a newfound appreciation for your friendship, give you a chance to unwind and calm down if your friend has upset you over time and it can give you an opportunity to see whether or not the friendship should continue. 

Whilst taking a break isn’t exactly an actual way to end a friendship, it might, however, help to facilitate the process. I believe it is far easier to end a friendship after a break, than by doing it seemingly out of the blue. It also softens the blow if the feelings are not mutual.

Unhealthy Ways to End a Friendship 

Who am I to say that one way to end a friendship is better than another? The fact of the matter is, everyone’s situation is individual and specific.

If a friend is being nasty, obnoxious, or aggressive towards you, why not end the friendship there and then with a simple unkind hand gesture?

In some instances, the most appropriate action needed to end a friendship can be seen as ‘unhealthy’ though nevertheless, very much necessary.  

Avoiding situations in which you have to end a friendship in an unhealthy manner is often the best thing to do. examples of unhealthy ways to end a friendship are:

  • By text or email
  • Abruptly cutting off all contact, without warning (aka “ghosting” them)
  • Ending the friendship in an argument or in a “nasty way”
  • By getting others to end the friendship or your behalf
  • By changing yourself as a person in an attempt to make your friend want to end the friendship themselves.

How Will You End Your Friendship?

Ending a friendship is usually a troublesome and complicated decision, there is no way of avoiding that fact. It would, however, be far worse to hold onto a friendship that is no longer working, or to allow a friendship to continue to a point of being toxic and detrimental to your livelihood.

Some friendships are short, others are long, but it is important to remember that not all friendships have to last a lifetime. It is completely normal for friendships to take their natural course.  

If in doubt, always express your feeling and never stay in the dark. If you don’t feel comfortable speaking to your friend straight away about ending your friendship, try discussing it with another trusted friend or close family member.

Categories
Growth

7 Ways to Stop Self Loathing & Self-Hatred

“You suck.”

“You can’t do anything right.”

“You’re not good enough.”

Hearing negative comments like these never feels good, but what happens when they’re coming from yourself, the critic you can’t get away from?

Everyone self loathes at some point in life, to some degree. For some, it’s rare and infrequent, and for others, it’s so constant that it gets in the way of reaching goals, socializing, building and maintaining relationships, and pretty much every other aspect of life.

Even the more rare and infrequent self-loathing can ruin entire days or weeks, so whether it’s a sometimes or an all the time thing, how do you stop self-loathing?

Signs of Self-Loathing

If you’re here, you probably either know or think that you have self-loathing tendencies. If you found this page accidentally, you might be thinking “I’m amazing, what’s all this about “everyone self-loathes sometimes”?”

While you probably are amazing, sometimes the signs of self-loathing aren’t as obvious as you’d think. Sure there are the obvious things like literally hating yourself and always being hard on yourself, but these less obvious signs can point to self-loathing too:

  • Being a people pleaser
  • Constantly apologizing for every little thing (maybe over and over again)
  • Setting expectations too low
  • Motivating yourself with tough love
  • Using harsh self-talk
  • Focusing most on what goes wrong and on the negative
  • Turning feelings into facts (i.e., “I feel like a failure” turns into “I am a failure”)
  • Making all or nothing statements (i.e., If I mess up this project, I’ll lose my job and never move up in my career)

If any of these signs sound familiar, it’s okay, you’re not alone and here’s how you can turn self-loathing into self-compassion: 

1. Target Your Triggers

There are many causes of self-loathing. Self-loathing can be caused by the traumatic experience of someone in your life consistently putting you down, especially a parent when you were a child. It can also be caused by social comparison, big life changes, setbacks, and sometimes just the way some brains are wired.

Figuring out the root of your self-loathing is one of the ultimate ways to overcome it, and one method that helps is journaling. 

Journaling allows you to identify problems, fears, and concerns and helps determine what triggers these issues. Plus, journaling has other benefits, like reducing anxiety and depression.

Every night before bed, reflect on your day, and think about the times when you started self-loathing. What time was it? What were you doing? Who were you with? Once you have a better understanding of what your triggers are, you can pick the best coping methods.

2. Talk to Yourself How You Talk to People You Love

We tend to treat our friends, lovers, and family members with a lot more compassion than we treat ourselves with. But that’s not the only option.

Next time you start being hard on yourself, stop, take a deep breath, and respond to yourself how you would respond to someone you love.

If a friend, lover, or family member came to you and told you they just lost their job and feel like a total failure, you most likely wouldn’t respond with “Yeah, you’re a total failure.”

Instead, you’d give them some compassionate (and real advice) about how it’s not the end of the world, how there’s a better job out there for them, and that you believe they’ll be a great success.

Practice this same compassion with yourself, and you’ll start feeling better.

3. Practice Gratitude

There are so many benefits associated with practicing gratitude, and one of them is that it can increase self-esteem.

Even if it might not feel like it at the moment, you have so much to be grateful for. Focusing on those positive things instead of what you hate about yourself is an easy switch that can make a big difference.

This month, I’m planning to journal about two things (or more) I’m grateful for every day, and I extend this challenge to you.

But let’s put a twist on it, one of these things has to be about you. These can be big-picture items like being grateful for how well you learn new things or more trivial ones like how awesome your hair looks today.

More reading: 6 Ways to Express Gratitude Every Day

4. Sit Out on the Comparison Game

Social media, when used well, can have many benefits. But when you start making comparisons, it can lead to so many adverse effects, like depression and reduced self-esteem.

This survey shows that 60% of social media users found that it impacted their self-esteem negatively. Sound familiar?

It’s so easy to log onto social media platforms, like Instagram, and scroll through hundreds of picture-perfect moments, and start to think about how much less you like your own life.

But the thing is, social media is a highlight reel, not reality.

And even with the rare moments when something you feel envious about is real, you still shouldn’t compare yourself to it.

You always hear about how you shouldn’t compare yourself to others because everyone has different circumstances, privileges, and is at various points on their path.

That’s all true, but the other day I read a quote that reminded me how useless comparison can be – even if someone’s situation isn’t that different from yours.

It’s a bit silly, but a lot true. I have no idea who said it, but it goes like this “Popcorn kernels are prepared in the same pot, under the same heat, in the same oil, but they don’t pop at the same time.”

Okay, I know you probably don’t make popcorn on the stove, but you get the point.

5. Give to Others

Self-loathing is often a result of not finding enough value in yourself, and giving to others is a great way to feel more valuable. Research backs this up, showing that giving to others reduces stress and negative feelings, boosts self-esteem, and more.

So when you’re feeling negatively about yourself, do something for someone else.

Volunteer, donate to a charity, help your parents or friends with something, let the stranger in line with a couple of items go ahead of you.

The simplest acts of kindness can make us feel so much better about ourselves and put some love out into the world too.

6. Talk to Someone Else

With practice, talking to yourself more compassionately will become a habit. But if you find it challenging at first, or if you need some extra love, speak to someone else about what’s causing your self-loathing.

To be honest, I was not feeling so great about myself this morning. I called my boyfriend and started listing a bunch of negative things about myself and how I was feeling.

He reminded me that I was one of the greatest, smartest, and most capable people he’s ever known and that all the things I was feeling down about could be solved.

I’ll admit, at the very moment, this didn’t make me feel any better. But a little later, all the negativity I was feeling turned into gratitude for having someone in my life who would say such nice things about me.

I also felt motivated to live up to his thoughts about me, which helped push me out of self-loathing and into taking action.

If you don’t feel comfortable talking to a friend or family member, there are other options too. For instance, Talkspace is a cool text therapy service that lets you talk to licensed therapists over video chats or text messaging.

>> You can use coupon code 1004U to save a little $$ on your first month!

7. Change the Things You Can

Zen masters from all over the world have been telling us for ages that peace and happiness come from within. While I think that holds a lot of truth, I also believe that we can be a product of our environments.

If you find yourself self-loathing because you are in a place that doesn’t align with you, or are surrounded by negative people, or are in a job that doesn’t give you what you need, then it’s time to make a change.

I know this is one of the hardest things to do, but often the best things in life are the most challenging and scariest.

Make a list of the things in your life that you aren’t happy about, identify what you can change, and make small moves toward those changes every single day.

Maybe you can’t move, or avoid certain people, or switch your job right away, but you can start.

If you don’t love where you live, start saving up and researching places you can move to. In the meantime, try to find a space near where you live that you enjoy, whether it’s a park or a coffee shop and spend more time there. You can also try redecorating your home and turning it into your favorite place.

If there are negative people in your life that you can’t avoid, like family, then try to at least break up your time with them or talk to them about their behaviors that make you feel uncomfortable.

If your job makes you feel like you’re stuck, look for more. Take that course that will help you land a better job. Put some more time into your side hustle. Dedicate just 30 minutes a day to applying for other jobs.

You Are Good Enough: The Key to Stop Self Loathing

A big trigger of self-loathing is a perfectionist mindset. This might mean needing to always perform perfectly at work, or it can be wanting to be the perfect person who never gets angry or stressed out or critical.

But that’s just not human nature.

Sometimes good enough is all you need, and you are always good enough.

Categories
Growth

8 Ways to Deal With Regret & Move On

“Regrets, I’ve had a few. But then again, too few to mention.” are the words famously sung by Frank Sinatra.

Unfortunately, I don’t think most people can confidently say the same.

And research shows that most people regret not making choices that would lead to becoming their ideal self. 

Not to mention the smaller regrets of day to day life choices. That’s a whole lot of regret.

So if you have a regret (or a few) that are weighing you down, you are not alone.

Luckily there are some ways to turn regrets that you can’t bear into ones you might call “too few to mention.”

Here’s how to deal with regret:

1. Look for the Positive (Really Look)

There’s usually a silver lining to most situations, even if it’s really really thin. So whatever your regrets are, look for it.

I went to college for four years to receive a bachelor’s degree in environmental science, but I’m not using it at the moment. This is something I regret a lot, especially recently. I dedicated four years of my life to it, took out loans, and now my work is unrelated.

But – those four years of my life helped shape who I am and involved amazing experiences. I learned about a subject I’m passionate about and a field I can hopefully work in in the future. And having a degree in general still helps with getting other jobs.

Focusing on the positives of any regret can help make it less overwhelming.

2. Turn Regrets Into Lessons

So you messed up, there are two choices you can make. 

You either give up and dwell in regret, or you learn from your mistake and grow.

Regrets become a lot easier to deal with when you learn from them, and no matter what your regret is, you can learn something from it.

Regret can help you better understand who you are, identify your morals and values, and learn how you want to act moving forward.

Some of the most successful people in the world have failed the most, and if they had dwelled in regret instead of moving on, we wouldn’t have some of the world’s most famous books, art, and technology.

3. Write Down Your Regrets

When we are faced with regrets, it’s normal to wonder why we didn’t act differently or why we didn’t act at all.

Writing down our regrets, asking why, and writing down the reasoning can help ensure that you don’t make the same regretful choice again.

If you snapped at your partner or roommate or family member right when you got home from work, maybe it was because you’re stressed after work and need a few minutes to unwind before talking to others.

Or if you didn’t put in the effort to get your dream job or dream apartment, maybe it’s because you don’t feel like you deserve it, and it’s time to reassess your self-worth.

4. Start Building Self-Compassion

Like I said before, there are usually two ways that regret pans out.

It can turn into the weight that sinks you, or it can be used to spark the fire of motivation that leads to self-improvement.

Researchers from Berkely found that the difference between these two outcomes is self-compassion.

Self-compassion increases our ability to embrace regret, learn from it, ensure we don’t repeat the action that caused the regret, and instead improve our lives.

To practice more self-compassion in your life, start by treating yourself the same way you would treat a loved one. You can also:

  • Write yourself a letter about your regret, from a compassionate perspective.
  • Challenge critical and negative self talk with a positive counterstatement.
  • Listen to guided self-compassion meditations (try playing meditation music in the background of these).
  • Remind yourself of all your positive attributes (and don’t be modest).

5. Don’t Let Regret Hold You Back From Doing More

If you think about the regrets in your life, you probably think about things you’ve done. These regrets can lead to developing a fear of doing other things, to avoid more regret.

But what about the things you haven’t done?

Research shows that the regrets that hurt us the most and linger the longest, are not the things we do, but the things we don’t. Especially when those things we don’t do, keep us from becoming the best version of ourselves.

So if the fear of regret is keeping you from doing the things that matter, remind yourself that while taking action involves risk, it’s just as risky to do nothing.

6. Make Amends

If your regret involves someone else that you’ve hurt, stop wallowing in regret, and apologize sincerely.

It’s never too late to apologize, and even if your apology isn’t accepted, over time, the sentiment will mean something to the other person.

It takes a lot to apologize, sometimes it involves a huge effort in putting the ego aside, but if you’ve done something you’re sincerely sorry about, you’ll feel so much better once you express it.

Apologize in person, write a letter, send a text, or give a little gift. And most importantly, strive not to hurt them again.

But once you’ve apologized, move on, rectify the situation, and stop beating yourself up over it.

7. Try to Live in the Present

No matter how few or many mistakes you make, the past is still the past.

And while it’s important to acknowledge your regrets, and accept them so that they can be used as lessons, there’s no point in dwelling on them.

Regrets are a part of the past; they can’t be changed. So once you’ve given them a constructive amount of attention, bring yourself back to the present. Research shows that being present increases self-resilience and effective coping.

Being present is a big component of mindfulness, and many believe it’s the only way to live a happy life. But if you’re always anxious about the future or stuck in your past regrets, being present can seem like the hardest thing to do. So start small.

Here are a few ways to practice being present:

  • Meditate – Even if only for a few minutes.
  • Immerse Yourself in Nature – It’s easier to be calm and present in nature, so get out there.
  • Practice Breathwork – Inhale and exhale through the nose, and repeat until your mind is calm.
  • Detach From Your Thoughts – Practice acknowledging thoughts, but not hanging on to them. Your thoughts and your regrets don’t define you.
  • Take a Break – Turn on some music and dance like no one’s watching, go for a walk, make a cup of tea, and focus on only your break, even if just for a few minutes.
  • Repeat a Mantra – Research shows that repeating a mantra reduces self-judgment and other negative self-beliefs. Your mantra can be as simple as “everything is going to be okay.” When you feel overwhelmed by negativity, repeat this mantra to yourself or out loud until your mind becomes calmer.

8. Forgive Yourself

Chances are, you haven’t done anything unforgivable, so forgive yourself. As long as you learn from your past actions and strive to be better, there’s no reason not to forgive yourself.

Research shows that forgiveness, stress, and mental health are deeply interconnected. So by forgiving yourself, you can also reduce stress and improve your mental health.

Regrets Don’t Have to Be Bad

Regret never feels good, but it also doesn’t have to be an awful feeling. It’s all about how you deal with regret and what you take from it.

So take a good hard look at your regrets, accept them, and use them as fuel to become the best version of yourself.

Categories
Growth

The Ultimate Self-Care Checklist: 50+ Ideas for 2020

When I think of self-care, the first thing I envision is a dimly lit bubble bath. And while that is a form of self-care for some, it’s definitely not a complete picture of what it actually is, or why it’s important.

Because self-care is about more than just relaxing and taking “me” time. It’s about taking care of all aspects of yourself as the multi-faceted human being that you are.

So how exactly do you practice self-care? Not to worry, we’ve put together an ultimate self-care checklist with over 50 ideas for improving your mental and physical wellbeing.

Why Bother with Self-Care?

Lately, I’ve seen several articles balking at the concept of self-care, declaring that it’s not the answer to all your problems. And you know what?

They’re right.

Self-care is not a panacea for all that ails you. And it’s not a replacement for medical help if you are suffering from depression and anxiety. (See your doctor if you are.)

But while self-care is not a cure-all, it’s not something you can neglect either. Failing to take time to look after yourself affects your stress levels, energy, confidence, productivity, and mood. In short, it impacts your quality of life and your ability to bring your best self to the table each day.

It isn’t just critical to your overall well-being, but to those around you, too – especially where close friends and family are concerned.

But what are some actually effective ways to practice self-care aside from bath bombs and candles?

Here is the ultimate self-care checklist to ensure you are addressing all areas of your wellness.

Physical Self Care Checklist

Our bodies need a lot of maintenance! It’s easy to push aside your physical needs when things get hectic, so take some time out now and see if you need to address any of these areas of your health:

Exercise

Exercise is non-negotiable, it just has too many benefits! Get your heart pumping to release endorphins, strengthen your muscles, and increase your longevity.

You don’t have to be a gym rat and there are almost limitless activities to choose from that will do the trick. For example:

  • Going for a daily walk during your lunch break
  • Taking up a dance or group fitness class
  • Rolling out your yoga mat every morning and doing a few sun salutations
  • Registering for a 5k walk or run for charity
  • Exercising at home with a fitness app

Pick something that you enjoy and get your body moving!

Diet

Fuel your body with foods that will support your health. If your dietary habits are hot mess, start with simple, positive changes like:

  • Making one healthy food swap each week. For example, apple slices for a snack instead of chips
  • Trying a new recipe featuring a fruit or vegetable
  • Getting one serving of veggies in with your breakfast
  • Using a calorie tracker to stay within your daily calorie budget
  • Taking a vitamin D supplement in the fall and winter

Sleep

Most of us need at least 6-8 hours of sleep. Make sure you are getting enough sleep by creating a nightly routine. Get the best sleep by adopting a few new habits like:

Sensory

Perhaps the most fun way to practice self-care is to pamper yourself a bit! Doing things that feel good boosts endorphins and can improve your outlook on life. A few ideas you can try are:

  • Treating yourself to a spa day (you can even make your own home-spa!)
  • Getting your hair done
  • Slowly eating your favorite dessert (hello mindful eating!)
  • Putting on your most comfortable pjs and curling up on the couch with some hot chocolate

Health

  • Going to routine doctor appointments and screenings
  • Getting yourself to a dentist if you haven’t been in the past six months
  • Investing in an ergonomic work-station
  • Seeing a naturopath to address nagging or chronic issues

Mental Self Care Checklist

Mental health is easily neglected because it’s not a tangible thing like our bodies are. Yet, it’s just as critical as your physical health. Make time to check in with each of these aspects of your cognitive state:

Emotional

Emotions can feel like a nuisance sometimes but they are an integral part of being human. Try to bottle them up or shove them away for too long and you’re setting yourself for a trip to meltdown city. Manage your emotions in a healthy way by:

Intellectual

Keep your brain stimulated and sharp by challenging it intellectually with these ideas:

  • Learning a new skill
  • Taking up a new hobby that challenges you, like learning a new musical instrument
  • Picking up a newspaper and doing all the crosswords and Sudoku puzzles
  • Downloading Duolingo and learning a new language
  • Downloading an app that teaches you a new word every day
  • Watching an educational documentary
  • Listening to a podcast

Social

When life gets busy, your relationships might fall to the wayside a bit. But we are social creatures and are meant to interact with other people. You can nurture yourself by nurturing your relationships in simple but meaningful ways. For example:

  • Having lunch or coffee with a friend
  • Hosting a small social gathering at your home (or a large one if you prefer!)
  • Using a platform like com to find a group that interests you and meet some new people
  • Calling an old friend you haven’t spoken to in forever
  • Performing a small, random act of kindness to a stranger

Life Experiences

Experiencing the world can broaden your mind and create some of your most cherished memories. Your life experiences are what helps you keep growing as a person!

You can try:

  • Traveling somewhere you’ve never been before (even if it’s just a new park or nearby town)
  • Volunteering at a charity
  • Going to see a live concert
  • Attending the ballet or a musical
  • Becoming someone’s mentor, or finding a mentor
  • Taking a road trip

What’s on Your Self Care Checklist?

Not every one of these ideas may work as acts of self-care for you personally, and that is totally okay. The takeaway is that you need to take time out of your day to look after yourself on multiple levels.

The options for self-care are limitless, and they don’t need to be complicated, either! All you need to do is carve out time for yourself each day, and treat that time as a sacred priority. 

If it helps you become a healthier, happier, more well-rounded person, then its something you should make time for!

Categories
Growth

How To Confront A Liar (and one time when you just shouldn’t.)

Playground politics were so simple.

If someone got caught out in a lie, everyone danced around, pointing, and chanting, “Liar! Liar! Pants on fire!” The offending party would slink off, justly shamed, and all would be forgiven by the time the school bell rang.

As with most things in life, it’s just not that easy as an adult.

Being lied to brings a lot of negative emotions to the surface:

  • Betrayal
  • Disappointment
  • Anger
  • Frustration
  • Confusion

The closer our relationship to the person lying to us, the worse we are likely to feel.

But before you call someone on their lie, it’s important to remember one thing:

There is always more to a lie than meets the eye.

Lies don’t come out of nowhere.

Remembering this when someone tries to pull the proverbial wool over your eyes can actually serve as a grounding mantra. A lie is very, very rarely about you—and almost always about the person telling it.

Here, we’re covering everything you need to know about how to deal with the people who lie to you.

We unpack the different lies people tell, the reasons behind the lies, and how to confront someone who lies to you—if you’re really, really, really sure that’s what you want to do.

Phase 1: Know When to Hold ‘Em. Know When to Fold ‘Em

There are three questions to keep in mind when you’re deciding whether to confront someone on their lie, or to let it go.

The answers to these questions help us clarify how to approach the situation in a healthy way, maintain our relationships, and protect ourselves.

First up…

1. Who Lied to You?

What we’re doing here is establishing how invested we are in helping a liar to change their behavior. Maybe an acquaintance is lying to you.

Sure, it’s annoying, but it likely has less of an impact on your life than if the lie comes from a close friend.

Realistically, we are more likely to accept lies from an acquaintance. Most of us will just avoid these kinds of acquaintances and shrug off their lies as a character flaw.

We can’t do this if the lies are told by a good friend, partner, or family member. If the lie comes from somebody we care about, we are more likely to invest time in working through the betrayal.

Which leads us to the next question…

2. What Kind of Lies Are They Telling?

According to some experts, most lies fall into one of three categories.

The little white lie:

These are the lies we tell to protect others, or to protect our own egos.

  • “I was invited to that huge event, too, but I had something else on that night.”
  • “No, your butt does not look big in those jeans.”
  • “This chicken is delicious!”
  • “Yes, you’re a great boss!”

When someone tells a Little White Lie, they are attempting to strengthen their bond with you, and to be socially accepted.

The compulsive lie:

Have you ever wondered why someone even bothered to tell a lie, when the truth was harmless?

These types of lies come from people who will habitually lie about anything. Compulsive Liars generally develop the habit early on in life, and are likely to feel guilty about it after the fact.

The sociopathic lie:

A sociopath will go to any means necessary to further their own agenda—which is, essentially, to get what they want.

For sociopaths, lying to you will not even register on their radar as “the wrong thing to do.” If what you are unraveling is a complicated web of lies—as opposed to an isolated lie—it may be more serious than you can fix on your own.

So the burning question remains:

3. Is Confrontation the Best Move?

It depends.

Different types of lies—and the liars who tell them—can need different approaches. In one case in particular, the best approach might actually be not confronting them at all.

The little white lie:

Experts suggest that these types of lies come from a good place: an eagerness to be accepted or liked by you. While lying is a poor way to go about winning friends and influencing people, these people aren’t acting maliciously.

Often, building confidence and providing reassurance can be all the troubleshooting you need to do.

If the lies are starting to impact your relationship and you need to take action, confront the issue carefully, and with compassion.

The compulsive lie:

Psychologists believe this type of lying starts in early childhood, and stems from deep, unaddressed behavioral issues.

Confronting this type of lie is likely to be frustrating and unrewarding, as the liar is likely to feel victimized, defensive, and lie more to escape your criticism.

The best way to support a loved one with this kind of behavior is to encourage professional counselling or therapy.

If you still feel the need to take matters into your own hands, focus on asking questions and trying to understand what drives their behavior.

The sociopathic lie:

In relationship terms, this kind of lie is the ultimate red flag.

Confrontation isn’t likely to be effective in the long term. Sociopaths are very good at manipulating a situation, and are already aware of what they’re doing.

The thing is: they don’t care that they’re doing it.

The best way for someone to address sociopathic lies is to avoid—or minimize—spending time around the people who tell them.

Phase 2: Develop a Solid Strategy

So you’ve determined what kind of lie you’re dealing with. You’ve analyzed the pros and cons of confronting the situation. Now you’re ready to wade into the awkward and murky waters of confrontation.

Here’s how to come out of those waters without getting dirty.

1. Have a Game Plan

Leadership thought-leader, Sheri Staak, says we need to feel confident going into the conversation. Know your facts, practice your wording, and be prepared for any outcome.

Another factor in having a game plan is timing. Choose a time when the two of you can be alone, without distraction.

Very little can be resolved if you are constantly interrupted whilst trying to share your feelings. And it should go without saying, but don’t initiate a confrontation in front of an audience if you want a chance at a positive resolution.

2. Have Some Compassion

It’s likely you’ve got this one down already, because you’ve read this far.

Life coach, Kimberly Giles, says to enter into the discussion with love for the person you’re speaking with.

Your aim, according to Giles, is to strengthen your relationship through an open and honest conversation about something that is hurting you.

3. Make Good (Word) Choices

Avoid “blame script.”

If you talk about how something made you feel, and what you would like to achieve, you are less threatening.

At the opposite end of the spectrum, talking about what they have done, and how they are affecting your relationship, instantly puts the other person on the defensive.

Choose “I felt hurt that you didn’t feel able to tell me the truth,” instead of “Why didn’t you just tell the truth?”

Choose “I would love to have a more honest relationship with you,” instead of “If you don’t stop lying to me all the time, I’m not talking to you anymore.”

If you’re deeper into the conversation and starting to flounder—maybe they aren’t acknowledging that they lied—you could try something more advanced.

“I don’t feel that you’re telling me the truth about this, and that’s disappointing for me. I’ve always valued you, and I hope that you would value me enough to help me work our way through this.”

4. Tell Them Your Boundaries

This is something that very few of us do in our relationships, but it is absolutely necessary, according to experts.

Author and clinical psychologist, Dr. George Simon, says that when you know someone has lied to you: that is enough. You don’t need to convince them or prove yourself, because deep down, they know it, too.

If the conversation goes downhill, the best thing you can do—according to Simon—is state your boundaries clearly.

This might look like defeat, but you’ve still achieved a lot. Your friend, lover, or family member knows that you spotted their lie. They know you are willing to confront them over it. They know you care (because you’ve told them, right?).

Finally, you can reiterate one more point: that you will not tolerate being lied to. No equivocation needed, and no explainers necessary.

A strong example of this could be, “I’m glad we’ve had this talk, so thank you. I really needed you to know that I will not tolerate being lied to.”

Calling Out a Liar Isn’t Easy

The sad truth is that we need to be prepared for a less-than-stellar outcome when we confront a liar.

Ideally, you will hug it out and the lies will stop. The tips we’ve unpacked here are designed to increase the odds of this being the outcome.

More realistically, though, your relationship may feel awkward as you both adjust to the new dynamic. This is normal. With care and time, that awkwardness can lead to a stronger, healthier normal.

Categories
Growth

10 Smart Ways to Deal with a Narcissist in Your Life

The term narcissist is defined as “a person who has an excessive interest in or admiration of themselves”. This word is often used to describe someone who acts as if the world revolves around them; someone who is obsessed with their own needs and puts their needs above all others.

It’s important to note that narcissistic personality disorder (NPD) is a real mental health condition. It’s a personality disorder whereby those who are afflicted with the condition legitimately have an exaggerated sense of themselves.

Individuals who have NPD believe that they are more important than anyone else; they have a strong desire for an unwarranted amount of attention and appreciation, and they lack empathy.

However, while they may appear to have a high level of self-confidence, those who suffer from NPD actually have very low self-esteem and are often put out by the smallest amount of criticism.

People that have been diagnosed with NPD experience difficulties in many aspects of their lives; their personal relationships, career, finances, and struggle with their own self-worth.

While NPD is a legitimate mental health condition, it is possible for people to show signs of narcissism without being formally diagnosed with the personality disorder.

For example, individuals who have narcissistic tendencies may:

  • Constantly call attention to and/or exaggerate their achievements.
  • Demand constant praise and appear angered when they don’t receive it.
  • Set out to retaliate against those who criticize them or do not “put them up on a pedestal”, so-to-speak.
  • Fail to acknowledge or care about other people’s needs.

Given the symptoms of NPD, it can be extremely difficult to interact with someone who has been diagnosed with the condition or who displays narcissistic tendencies. After all, who would want to deal with someone who thinks they’re better than everyone else?

If you’ve been confronted with a narcissist, you may be tempted to just walk away. While that might seem like the most obvious solution, it may not be the most viable option. What if the person is a family member, a colleague, or your boss?

How can you effectively handle a narcissist? Below, we share 10 methods that you can use to help you deal with someone who has been diagnosed with NPD or who exhibits narcissistic behaviors.

1. Pay Attention to Their Behaviors

 Unfortunately, narcissists can be quite charismatic. When they want something, they can ooze charm in order to get it, which is exactly why many people are easily drawn in by narcissists.

However, once they get what they want, they often tend to diminish, excuse, bash, and/or degrade those who accommodated their needs, and then they move onto the next unsuspecting victim.

If you notice someone who seems to be the “big man or woman” on campus and is everyone’s buddy and pal, before you get sucked in, stand back and watch from afar.

Pay attention to how the individual treats those around him/her and his/her overall disposition and morality. Does the person in question backstab those he was just praising? Does she lie, cheat, or manipulate to get what she wants? Does he bash others once he gets what he wants? Does she talk about everyone behind their backs?

If you answer ‘yes’ to any of the above-mentioned questions, tread lightly. There’s a very good chance that you could be victimized by the individual, so you may want to reconsider investing too much (or even a small amount) of energy on him or her.

When dealing with someone who has narcissistic tendencies or NPD, the first thing you should do is acknowledge who they are and accept it; unfortunately, there isn’t a whole lot you can do to change the way they think about themselves and treat others.

2. Avert Your Attention

Narcissists demand the attention of others and they’ll do anything they can to get it; it’s just their nature. It doesn’t matter whether the attention is positive or negative, as long as it’s some type of attention, the narcissist will be happy.

Avoid falling into the trap of giving the person the attention that he or she expects. If you give just a little, the person will ask you to give even more, and eventually, you will be stuck in a vicious cycle where his or her needs are the only thing that receives attention and your needs are put on the backburner indefinitely.

If you do have to deal with a narcissist, completely avoiding their constant demands for attention may be impossible. If that’s the case, keep your guard up and stay focused. Don’t devote yourself to the individual; otherwise, you’ll end up stuck in their trap.

3. Use Your Voice

Narcissists have a tendency to rile people up. They like to make others uncomfortable so that they can feel better about themselves.

If this is something you are dealing with and you want to or have to maintain a relationship with the individual in question, use your words to express how he/she makes you feel and your annoyance with the situation.

No matter how tempting it may be, don’t scream, shout, or use derogatory language to illustrate your frustration; doing so will only satisfy the narcissist’s desire to put you down or make you feel bad to life him/herself up. Instead, speak calmly, rationally, and be direct and to the point.

Articulate how the words that the individual uses or the actions that they make are affecting you.

Be specific with your summary and reference clear and perhaps even documented examples. It’s important to let your displeasure be known; however, it’s important to note that you should be prepared for the individual to either not understand where you are coming from, or for them to simply not care at all.

4. Establish Boundaries

Those who have NPD or narcissistic tendencies are absorbed with their own wants and needs. Therefore, they often believe that they have every right to do what they want, when they want to; and that may include demanding you give your time to them.

To avoid scuffles, establish boundaries, and make those boundaries clearly known. Let them know that if they fail to abide by those boundaries, you will be forced to enact consequences. Stay true to your word; if the individual pushes your boundaries, issue a consequence. 

5. Recognize Where the Narcissist is Coming From

It might be very difficult to do, but often, people with NPD or who exhibit narcissistic behaviors have extremely low self-esteem.

In order to make themselves feel better, they inflate their egos; especially in situations where they feel as if they might fail or be judged.

If you notice that the individual seems to be on his or her “high horse”, assess the situation.

For example, if they’re about to make a presentation, the ego-driven personality might be because the person is feeling self-conscious. If that’s the case, try offering reassurance to settle the inflated ego.

6. Remain Positive

As mentioned, narcissists tend to put others down in order to lift themselves up, and they get a real rise when they see that their negative actions have impacted those they have set out to attack.

If you’re on the receiving end of a narcissistic put-down attack, do everything you can to remain positive.

Put on a happy face and keep on trucking; of course, you don’t have to direct your positivity to him or her, but just make it be known that their attempts to drag you down aren’t working.

If they can’t tell that your feathers have been ruffled, the behavior will start to diminish.

7. Remain Indifferent

If it’s hard to remain positive (which it undoubtedly will be), then be indifferent. Don’t react to anything that the person says, unless of course you have to fulfill an obligation.

For example, if it’s your boss and you’re required to complete a task that your job calls for. However, otherwise, remain indifferent. Just let it roll of your shoulders and eventually (hopefully), they’ll move on.

8. Get Support

Seek the support of others; people who also have to deal with the narcissist, as well as individuals who have no link to him/her at all.

With a support network, you’ll have people you can turn to and let out your frustrations in a healthy way, or just escape the difficult nature of your relationship with the narcissist.

If your primary point of contact is someone with narcissistic tendencies, you’ll eventually fall under the pressure and your self-esteem and mental health will suffer immensely.

9. Recognize That Professional Help May Be a Necessity

Narcissists often don’t realize that they have a clinical problem; therefore, they may never get the help that they need.

If their tendencies are worsening and nothing seems to be working, you may recommend that the individual seek the guidance of a mental health professional.

However, do be aware that the person may not follow your advice, and in fact, may dismiss you or increase his/her attacks.

10. Walk Away

Despite your best attempts, you may not be able to successfully deal with a narcissist; after all, doing so can be quite taxing.

If all else fails and you have tried everything you can think of to maintain your relationship, it may be time to think about walking away.

Though it may be hard to leave, in the end, it isn’t worth sacrificing your social-emotional well-being just so you can stay tied to someone who has made it abundantly clear that you don’t matter.

Categories
Growth

Six-Steps to Live with a Narcissist at Workplace

According to expert quotes, about 0.5% of the United States populace has actually a problem called conceited personality disorder. This is about one person out of every 200, so if you’re managing a narcissist at the workplace, you’re far from alone.

A narcissist is a person that has a personality disorder where they’re incapable to empathize with other people. Due to this, they’re really self-indulgent and also like to extol their very own success.

Managing a person at the workplace that has a God facility is hard and bothersome to navigate. I’ve had to do it, and knowledge ludicrous as well as irritating it can be.

The good news is, I learned that there are some methods to deal with your narcissistic coworker that can make your life much easier. Keep reading for some suggestions on how to take care of a narcissist as well as reclaim your workplace sanity.

1. Don’t Take What They Say to Heart
Narcissists claim a lot of things in an effort to manipulate people around them.

The ‘do as I state, not as I do’ plan is one that the narcissist enjoys given that it doesn’t hold them answerable for their activities. They will certainly do something while claiming that it’s a poor thing for others to do- a narcissist is always the exception to their very own moral judgments.

Narcissists will additionally claim points to try to obtain you to seem like you’re in the wrong.

Gaslighting is a sort of emotional abuse where a narcissist tries to obtain you to wonder about truth. Instances of gaslighting consist of:

” You need to be puzzled.”
” It’s constantly something with you.”
” Don’t twist my words.”
” You always misremember points.”
” I think you require mental aid.”
A narcissist will likely state things like this to you so that you’re more likely to pay attention to them over your own memories, expertise, and also conscience. The only method to stay clear of sensation poor is to remember that they’re just lying.

In the work environment, a narcissistic coworker will possibly say things to make you feel like you’ve done both morally wrong points in addition to made professional disobediences. There’s absolutely nothing incorrect with your work, but a narcissist won’t want you to ever really feel excellent regarding on your own.

Allow what the narcissist states enter one ear and out the various other. Their words are all lies.

2. Do Not Try to Fight With Them
You shouldn’t take what a narcissist says to heart, however you additionally shouldn’t try to eliminate with them. They aren’t mosting likely to listen to you due to the fact that they aren’t practical people.

Anything that you say in a debate with a narcissist will undoubtedly be twisted around and thrown back in your face. They have no real emotions, so they’ll capitalize on your being reasonably provoked up and try to make you look hysterical.

The narcissist likewise believes that they are, undoubtedly, right in every circumstance.

Since you will not be able to win, you don’t want to obtain right into an argument with someone unreasonable. Narcissists aren’t trying to find a discussion- to them, everything’s just a chance to prove that they’re the best person ever before to exist.

Likewise, because narcissists tend to see emotions as a weakness, obtaining emotional about your job and your concepts is simply something that they can make use of.

It’s finest to simply ignore things they carry and state on with your life, despite just how much they may make you want to yell.

You can also exercise reflection and also mindfulness at home to ensure that you’re qualified of managing and also balancing emotions!

3. Don’t Share Personal Information
There’s another thing I neglected to point out regarding narcissists up previously: most of them are so really charming.

Narcissists often tend to be actually amusing, appealing, as well as fascinating. They make you intend to hang out with them since they have the smarts to claim to be the sort of person you want to associate.

At first, many narcissists will feel like a desire become a reality. You’ll feel a kind of magnetic pull to them as well as wish to befriend them.

Also as soon as a narcissist reveals their true shades, they’ll still have minutes when they seem like the office sweetheart that they once claimed to be.

A lot of narcissists I’ve met have actually likewise informed stories that make you really feel bad for them. They desire you to think that they’re always the victim.

As a compassionate person, this makes you want to end up being close with the narcissist. You’re likely to feel for them and also the struggles that they’ve fabricated and told you around.

You might feel like telling them features of your life as a result of this. Doing this, however, is just one of the most awful points you can do.

Any kind of information you provide to your narcissist coworker is gas for them to control you additionally. They’ll use any kind of understanding that they have regarding you as tools to make you really feel negative regarding on your own in the future.

4. Do Not Go Anywhere Alone With Them
Not only shouldn’t you tell a narcissist anything concerning on your own, however you definitely should not go anywhere alone with them, either.

Many narcissists are abusers, and also they’ll take any possibility that they’re alone with you to take part in abusive behaviors.

Because the person you’re attempting to stay clear of belongs to your workplace, this can be tricky. You could be asking yourself, ‘what should I do if we need to service a job with each other or collaborate?’

These are reasonable worries, yet they can be addressed by having a 3rd party existing when you work together. Ask a buddy or supervisor to be in the room with you as you and the narcissist speak.

If you are required to go someplace alone with the narcissist, ensure that you have your mobile phone with you. If things begin to go also far, it can be made use of to call a person in an emergency situation or as a recording tool.

5. Do Get Everything in Writing
While a recording device is a good idea in severe situations, it isn’t something you’ll want to make use of on a daily basis. The much better alternative is to obtain whatever that the narcissist states in creating.

Narcissists are incredibly great liars. As soon as, I saw a narcissist speak to a superior in an effort to get a colleague put on hold, and also presume what?

It worked.

I desire that the man that was suspended had gotten the truth in composing. Although he came back to work the next week and was great, he really did not deserve to miss that pay.

The ethical of that story is that you need to get your resident narcissist to email you every little thing that they assert that they have done. You’ll want them to be particular.

See to it that you store them in a safe place within your e-mail account. To be specifically secure, you can print them out and also file them away. This will prove to your boss that you’re leveling if anything takes place.

Also, if your conceited colleague e-mails you anything violent, print it out immediately and also reveal it to your superior. This will ensure that your manager remains in the loophole and knows the narcissist’s real character prior to anything drastic takes place.

6. When Possible, do Avoid Contact
While it’s finest for contact with a narcissist to be in composing, it’s also better to avoid contact entirely.

I know, that’s difficult in the office. There are, nonetheless, some ways that you can stay clear of dealing with a tough coworker that you may want to have a look at.

Most importantly else, narcissists want to maintain excellent appearances. Use that to your benefit.

When the narcissist comes near you, make it appear like you’re actually active. This will deter them from turning up as well as bothering you considering that people around you would certainly judge them if they did.

You must likewise obstruct the person on social networks. This will certainly send out the message that you’re onto them and also don’t wish to be bothered by their lies.

It additionally will certainly keep them far from your individual information as well as life, which we currently established they’ll utilize to their advantage.

Ultimately, you can stay clear of contact with the narcissist by making a routine that’s various from their own. Take breaks at various times than they do- it will do you a globe of good.

To Learn How to Handle a Narcissist
Managing a narcissist is obnoxious, annoying, as well as emotionally tiring. If you make use of the ideas that you’ve found out right here, however, I’ve discovered that this ends up being a much easier job.

Now that you know just how to deal with a narcissist, it’s time to do something wonderful for yourself so that all the anxiousness of taking care of them melt away.

To do this, I like to take a long, hot bath with some bathroom as well as a publication oils. Go here to learn more about the best vital oils that you can enter your bath oils to aid you deal with stress.

Good luck- you’ve got this!

Categories
Growth

How to Deal With an Alcoholic: 10 Tips to Follow

According to the National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism, over 14.4 million American adults suffer from alcoholism. So if you’re trying to figure out how to deal with an alcoholic, you’re not alone. 

Learning how to deal with an alcoholic is challenging, and if the alcoholic is a partner, family member, or close friend, dealing with it becomes even more difficult. 

But it’s not impossible, and with the right approach, you can learn how to deal with an alcoholic and move towards a better future for both of you. 

It’s important to understand that alcoholism is a serious problem. Alcoholism, or alcohol use disorder, is characterized by compulsive alcohol use, an inability to control alcohol intake, and the experience of negative emotions when not drinking. 

There are certain criteria, determined by the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), that are used to deliver a diagnosis of alcoholism. Some of these criteria include: 

  • Trying, unsuccessfully, more than once to cut back on drinking
  • Spending a lot of time drinking or dealing with the side effects of drinking
  • Experiencing strong urges to drink 
  • Continuing to drink despite negative impacts on family, friends, and intimate relationships
  • Missing out on enjoyable activities to drink instead 
  • Experiencing extreme side effects from alcohol wearing off such as shaking, irritability, anxiety, depression, restlessness, etc. 
  • And more

Sometimes it’s easy to notice when someone is suffering from alcoholism. But there are also functional alcoholics. These individuals manage to hold everything in life together, despite their alcoholism. 

The same criteria mentioned above can be used to diagnose functional alcoholics, but functional alcoholics might also drink in secret, joke about their drinking, or set limits on when they drink to keep their problem hidden. 

Whether you have an alcoholic or a functional alcoholic in your life, here’s how to deal with an alcoholic:

1. Don’t Blame Yourself or Take Things Personally 

Blaming others for personal problems or things that happen to us is common, and there are many reasons why we play the blame game. Alcoholics are all-stars at the blame game, and can often be found making statements like “I only drink because of you…”

But it’s 100%, not your fault. 

Alcoholics blame others because they are embarrassed, ashamed, or because they genuinely don’t see alcohol as a problem; they see it as a solution. Remind yourself that a true alcoholic is addicted, and their drinking has nothing to do with you. 

And when an alcoholic says they will never drink again or never repeat a certain mistake, and then goes back on their word, don’t take it personally. 

The amount that alcoholics drink can seriously impact the brain. One effect is that alcohol consumption shrinks the hippocampus, which is the part of the brain that’s responsible for memory and reasoning. 

So when an alcoholic breaks a promise, they might not even know they’re doing it, and it doesn’t mean they don’t care about you, it just means their addiction is too strong. 

2. Release Control

When a loved one is suffering and can’t control it, naturally, we want to help them by taking matters into our own hands. 

But when learning how to deal with an alcoholic, trying to control everything will take such a huge toll on you, and most likely, leave you feeling frustrated, drained, and hopeless. 

Even when you feel like your loved one is headed straight for rock bottom, you should ease up on the control. Sometimes, what an alcoholic needs to make a change and seek professional help, is reaching that destination. 

Research shows that hitting rock bottom, or resource loss is a significant indicator of therapy completion in alcoholics

This doesn’t mean that rock bottom is the only solution, or that you should try to accelerate the journey there. But it does mean you should focus on detachment practices to help you deal with an alcoholic. 

You don’t have to stop caring, but you do have to let others experience the consequences of their actions. 

3. Speak From a Place of Support and Positivity 

Dealing with an alcoholic is frustrating, and it can be easy to be so hurt that you speak to them in a tone of negativity and harshness, but you need to avoid this. 

Instead of saying something like “You are drinking too much, and it’s putting everything at risk,” which can come off as an attack, it can help to say something like, “I’m concerned about how much you’ve been drinking, and I’m worried about you.”

Using “I statements” reduces the perception of hostility and is one of the best strategies for opening a conflict discussion. 

4. Don’t Enable, Do Help the Right Way 

There’s a fine line between enabling and helping, and when it comes to dealing with an alcoholic loved one, it’s hard not to cross it. 

Often, things that you do to “help” an alcoholic can strengthen their addiction. There are many enabling behaviors, including: 

  • Drinking with or around an alcoholic
  • Taking over an alcoholic’s responsibilities
  • Denying or ignoring the problem 
  • Controlling the problem 
  • Overprotecting an alcoholic 
  • Justifying an alcoholic’s behavior 
  • Minimizing an alcoholic’s problems
  • And more

For example, while offering to act as a designated driver for an alcoholic loved one might seem like helping them avoid a DUI or worse, it’s just enabling their drinking. 

Or, while picking a passed out alcoholic off of the front lawn might seem like helping, it’s allowing them to avoid the experience of waking up on the lawn and being faced with their actions. 

Instead, you can help by offering to go to meetings with an alcoholic and engaging in social activities that don’t include drinking with them.

5. Manage Your Expectations 

Like I mentioned before, alcoholism has serious effects on the brain, specifically parts of the brain responsible for reasoning. This means that expectations that would be reasonable for you to have for most people, can be completely unreasonable for an alcoholic. 

Research shows that expectations and happiness are more related than you might think. Enough so that often, happiness isn’t derived from how things are going, but from how much better or worse things are going than expected. 

While it’s important to believe and have a positive outlook, when dealing with an alcoholic, it’s also best to set more realistic expectations. 

6. Don’t Excuse Unacceptable Behavior 

Alcoholics tend to do a lot of unacceptable things. When you love an alcoholic, it’s natural to want to let them get away with some of these behaviors. 

But accepting or covering up unacceptable behavior will only reinforce it. So stop excusing the alcoholic in your life with statements like, “they just had a little too much to drink.”

This doesn’t mean you can’t forgive an alcoholic for something they did while drinking, but there has to be either an acknowledgment of the bad behavior or repercussions. 

Acknowledging unacceptable behavior instead of excusing or accepting it will also help reduce resentment in the future.

7. Leave the Past Behind, and Focus on the Now 

Whether the alcoholic in your life is at a stage where things are getting worse, or starting to look better, no good will come from bringing up the past. 

You might think that bringing up a past event may motivate an alcoholic through guilt, but it will likely just lead them to drink more. 

Letting go of the past and living in the present is a component of mindfulness, and one way to get better at it is through practicing mindfulness meditation. 

Plus, mindfulness meditation has many benefits that can improve your mental and physical well-being. Practicing mindfulness meditation doesn’t have to take long, and can help you detach from the past, focus on the present, and help build a better future for the alcoholic in your life. 

8. Seek Help From Others 

Learning how to deal with an alcoholic on your own is an admirable act of love, but it’s not effective. Alcoholism is a serious mental illness, and often overcoming it is a team effort, so don’t hesitate to seek help. 

You can seek help by going to alcoholism-related meetings with your alcoholic loved one, which may motivate change. 

You can also set up an intervention with family and friends. An intervention isn’t the same as expressing your feelings to an alcoholic; it’s a more extensive process that involves planning, organizing, and working towards an end goal of introducing treatment. 

When you’re ready, here’s an intervention resource you can use. 

9. Take Care of Yourself 

It might sound cliché, but you can’t pour from an empty cup. 

When you’re faced with how to deal with an alcoholic, switching your focus from them to you might feel selfish, but it’s essential. Self-care is how you can ensure that you can function well and be there for yourself and others who need you. 

Self-care can also reduce stress and lead to overall higher quality of life. And it doesn’t have to be some extravagant or expensive thing. Self-care can vary from taking a steamy bath to going to bed earlier. 

When dealing with an alcoholic, self-care can also be setting boundaries and walking away when it’s the best choice for your wellbeing. 

10. Remember, It Can Get Better 

When dealing with an alcoholic, it can be easy to lose hope and think that no matter what you do, the alcoholic is only going to get worse. And while it was previously believed that alcoholism is a progressive disease, meaning one that continually gets worse, this isn’t true. Modern science has found that alcoholism isn’t inevitably progressive, and many people recover successfully.

Stay positive, practice these tips, and remember that in the end, we can conquer so much more than we think.